Saturday, February 13, 2010

Control

Recently, I have been struggling with my need for control. Audra, who has assisted me in track for the last five or six seasons, constantly slams me as a control freak. Don't fret-- Audra is amazing and she slams me very lovingly. And she's right. John, my assistant wrestling coach of the last 4 seasons, would testify the same.

It's just me. I have to be in control. I probably work too hard because I find it difficult to delegate. I prefer to be the driver, because I am in control. I gravitated towards individual sports such as wrestling and track and field in high school because I did not have to depend on others to get me the ball, set a screen or block up front (though I adored running the sprint relays). I like biking fast-- but only if I am in control. I don't do drugs or get drunk, not as much for a moral reason but because the result is I lose control.

The part of me that needs control probably stems from two things: a lack of faith and my own insecurities. I struggle with faith and trust. My entire faith has been a struggle of faith. Many relationships have been damaged because of issues of trust. The few times I have to miss wrestling practice or I am caught in a meeting, John likes to say, "Thank you for trusting me with practice". Part of it is jokingly, because he understands how little I like to give up that control. Part of it is sincere, because I think he understands that he has my trust and confidence.

I believe that the other issue is rooted in my feelings of inadequacy. If I do not prove myself constantly, then I am a failure. I must always be in control because, going back to trust, if someone else falls short it reflects on me. And then I fail. So I choose to do it myself. Much of my life has been trying to prove that I was adequate as a teacher, coach, friend, brother, student, athlete or whatever I was trying to be at the moment.

On the cross, Christ said "It is finished" (John 19:30). There lies the beauty of the Gospel. There's nothing to prove. It was finished there on Calvary. All my failures do not define me. Part of the glorious nature of the Bible is that it was filled with "failures": Moses, Jacob, David, Peter, Thomas, Paul.

If nothing else, all the snow we have received this winter reminded me that I am not in control. The cancellations of school, wrestling and constant adjustment we've had to make to our lives are reminders that no matter how much we think we have it together, we are not in control. There are things in our lives that our out of our control. The question of faith is: Do I believe the things out of my control are under control? If I do, there is hope for relationships, careers, dreams and desires.

There is hope for me yet. I'll come around, I'm working on it.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Maybe your best blog yet, HKU.

Anonymous said...

I agree. Good post...a glimpse into YOU

Emily said...

thanks for sharing,

Revolu said...

dude yeah. this isn't just you. it seems to be the human condition. we all freak out when things get out of control (or in control for that matter). i was reading II Samuel 6 the other day when David is basically trying to get the Ark to Jerusalem and it falls over + God strikes this guy dead. didn't make sense to me at first.

But talk about chaos + wanting to freak out. And David (probably like the greatest king of the Bible) did just that. Made me feel a little more normal cos I do the exact same thing.