Sunday, May 25, 2008

Addition by Subtraction

To add means: to unite or join so as to increase the number, quantity, size, or importance

To subtract means: to withdraw or take away, as a part from a whole.

Everyone once in a while, you get those situations where withdrawing from a whole causes an increase in the number, size, or importance. I am no math teacher (my students know I can't even count years in history), but I can think of several examples of "addition by subtraction".

For example, everyone once in a while on one of the teams I am coaching, a certain student-athlete will chose not to participate. Usually, this is someone that could help the team. But often times, that same athlete will possess less than desirable leadership skills, crappy attitude, poor work ethic or some other negative trait that could potentially become cancerous and spread to the rest of the team. So by that athlete not coming out, we end up having better quality in the long run without their negative selves and poopiness coming through and infecting us.

With that being said, below are my random list of examples of where we would be better off by taking away. More will probably come later:

1) US States-

Seriously, what good is Florida?

They messed up the 2000 election where we learned everything about "chad" except it's capital (N'Djamena, pop 721,000).

They screwed up this year's Democratic primary (can you really do that... yes, if you are FL!).

Tricked us into a war with Spain (1898 Spanish-American War) for Cuba which never really got us Cuba but did get us a great friend and colleague to the south (Fidel was so jk about those missiles, he loves the Yankees too much to blow up New York). btw, does it surprise you that Castro pulls for a team owned by a Steinbrenner?

Gave us bad taste in clothes: thank you Crockett and Tubbs
I was once in Jasper, Alberta in CANADA and was driving my Chrysler rental and came upon a slow moving car that was not pulling an RV or anything large. Nor did it have a moose or giraffe in its front grill. As I approached the vehicle driving WAY below the speed limit, I noticed it had Florida plates. In freaking CANADA. Have you ever been to Florida? They can't even drive right there. They are all going 40 over the speed limit (drug runners, college football players and people from NC late to catch cruises) or 40 under (the rest of the population).

Florida's redeeming value is in its football. But FSU and Miami only make me angry at how great athletes can be so poorly coached (plus, have you ever sat with Miami fans at a college football game? I have!) Then I have to hear about how great U of FL is because they won football and basketball championships in the same year. I think I'll be fine without any of these teams anymore. I am a lifelong Dolphins fan, but I can learn to love the Panthers more!

Runner-up: Delaware - quick, name one fact about the "First State". You couldn't and neither could I. They were so desperate for status that they quickly ratified the Constitution, lest they be conquered by Maryland. When I think Delaware, I think George Washington crossing the Delaware River. Oh wait, he crossed from PA to NJ on the river, making the state even more irrelevant. If California is 5000, Colorado 1155, Alaska and Hawaii combined for 1312 and Florida is minus 1000 in my arbitrary state value index ( Heang's ASVI), Delaware has to be at least minus 700.

2) Footwear:

Who ever thought this was a good idea: Let's put wheels on shoes so little kids can skate everywhere unattended by their parents and much to the dismay of everyone around them.

Honestly, I wish I had thought of this first. Though I would be the scorn of an entire nation of sensible people, I would be a rich scorned person.

Runner-up: Crocs - no matter what color they are, unless you are under the age of 12, I think they are ugly.

3) World Countries:

Imprison Nobel Peace Prize winner: check!

Rule through military junta: check!

Shoot monks: check!

Deny aid to starving and sick ravaged by cyclone: check!

The true crime is that they are allowed to still be a country.

Runner-up: tie North Korea and Monaco - seriously, somebody conquer these places. China? Spain? anyone?

4) Holiday:

Labor Day- Who really celebrates Labor Day? Labor Day is the way the rich tell the rest of us that they are being nice to us with a day off. While we are off, they are watching the interest on their various diversified portfolios compound exponentially to dizzying degrees of infinity. My solution is simple: I would replace Labor Day with Super Bowl Monday.

Runner-up: Valentines Day - if you need a day to tell someone you love them or to be told you are loved, you fell victim to the greeting card conspiracy. Our most impacting businesses are not ExxonMobil, Microsoft or Apple, Coca-Cola or Walmart. The truth is, the most influential company in America is Hallmark.

5) NFL Football Team:

Chased off Barry Sanders, believes that receiver is the only position worth drafting, is mismanaged and misguided and if they were any other business would have been restructured or shut down years ago.

Runner-up: Atlanta Falcons - Name a successful quarterback from Atlanta? Don't even say Vick. Billy Joe Tolliver? Jeff George? Chris Miller? The best, Brett Farve, got away in a trade. Future not looking so bright for Matt Ryan.

6) US President:

William Henry Harrison: died a month into his term in 1841. I am sure that there were a lot of people who wished they could have had a "do over" in this election.

Runner up: Grover Cleveland- He couldn't just be our 22nd president, he had to be our 24th too!

7) Pastime

Anything fringe or "xtreme". I realize you have to start somewhere, but does it really gain my respect when you say you are one of the top ten ultraextreme [insert sport/activity here] athletes in the world? What, top ten out of eight? I just read that tree climbing is a growing sport along with mountain unicycling. Go get a frisbee, bike or ball and play. You'll make more friends.

Runner-up: Blogging - where do these pompous jerks (like this one below) get off thinking they know so much?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Just want to know when you have the time to set up a blog site, keep it current, and fit it into your busy schedule. Have you stopped sleeping?!!